Milk Satire

Ethan Kearns, Writer

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DISCLAIMER: This article is satire, so don’t take it too seriously, you serious people.

Milk, the holy liquid (besides water) of the human race. It moves mankind forward in innovation, creativity, and strength.

Milk comes in many shapes and forms, and it is probably the most diverse liquid in the market.

Now one could go on about the different things milk is made out of, but for simplicity, we’ll stick with the way it’s stored. Let’s just jump into it.

The first type of milk comes in a gallon jug. Probably the most common form of milk in the United States and most of the world; it comes in a great, easy to use container and has a great taste. Gallon jug milk gets a 9/10.

Next up is an American classic, bottled milk. Not the milk that comes in those lame plastic bottles, but the milk that came in a glass bottle. Glass bottle milk gets 8/10 for nostalgia, but loses two points because it requires a milkman.

Then we have bagged milk. WHY IS THIS A THING? Bagged milk is very inefficient to pour in a glass or in a bowl of cereal.

Imagine a world where only bagged milk exists, it would be a dystopia. You would have to find some scissors, cut open the bag, and risk milk sloshing out of the bag like an overflowed dam.

If you wanted some cereal, you would have to find the slope of a parabola (that u-shaped thing that is a pain to graph) to lower the risk of milk going everywhere. There is a pitcher you can buy for your hideous, poorly designed, should be banned, milk bag to make the pouring process easier.

Bagged milk is evil, and gets a 2/10 for crimes against humanity, but has some points for storability.

Last but not least, there is powdered milk. Powdered milk is great for several reasons. It can be stored in bomb shelters because we all know everyone has a bomb shelter right? Powdered milk can be brought along for long distance trips, and survival situations as well.  

Powdered milk gets 6/10 for a long shelf life, but loses points because of that pesky botulism.

No matter what your milk is made of or stored in, just drink it. Keep those bones of yours strong and healthy friends.

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